Couples Therapy: When to Go, What to Expect, and Does It Work?

Couples therapy isn't just for relationships on the brink. It can help good relationships become great and struggling ones find their footing. Here's what to know.

When to Consider Couples Therapy

Good Reasons to Go

• Same arguments happening repeatedly
• Feeling disconnected or like roommates
• Communication has broken down
• Trust has been damaged (infidelity, lies)
• Major life transitions (kids, job changes, empty nest)
• Sexual intimacy issues
• One partner considering leaving
• Proactively wanting to strengthen the relationship

When Individual Therapy Might Be Better First

• Active abuse (couples therapy is contraindicated)
• Active addiction that isn't being addressed
• One partner refusing to participate genuinely
• Severe untreated mental illness in one partner

What Happens in Sessions

• Initial assessment: understanding the relationship history and current issues
• Identifying negative patterns and cycles
• Learning communication skills
• Addressing underlying emotions and needs
• Homework between sessions
• Typically 12-20 sessions for most issues

Main Approaches

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Focuses on attachment and emotional bonds. Helps partners understand the emotions driving their conflicts and create new, positive interactions.

Gottman Method

Research-based approach targeting the 'Four Horsemen' (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and building friendship, conflict management, and shared meaning.

Discernment Counseling

For 'mixed-agenda' couples where one wants to work on it and one wants to leave. Helps clarify whether to commit to couples therapy or separate.

Does It Work?

Success depends on: both partners' commitment, therapist skill, timing (earlier is better), and willingness to do work between sessions.

Finding a Couples Therapist

• Look for specific couples therapy training (not just any therapist)
• EFT therapists: iceeft.com
• Gottman therapists: gottman.com
• Ask about their approach and experience with your issues
• Both partners should feel comfortable with the therapist

The Bottom Line

Couples therapy works—but timing matters. The average couple waits 6 years from when problems start to seek help. Don't wait until you're on the brink. If the same fights keep happening or you feel disconnected, therapy can help you find your way back to each other.